Sounds like blasphemy, sure nuff.

So I'm in year 2 of my obsession with African-American literature... finally getting around to the more popular novel stuff. In incredible similarity with my recent epiphanies I read this:

(enjoy it and think of it in this context: two black women talking, impose the accent, etc.)

Quote -
You telling me God love you, and you ain't never done nothing for him? I mean, not go to church, sing in the choir, feed the preacher and all like that?

But if God love me, Celie, I don't have to do all that. Unless I want to. There's a lot of other things I can do that I speck God likes.

Like what? I ast.

Oh, she say. I can lay back and just admire stuff. Be happy. Have a good time.

Well, this sound like blasphemy sure nuff.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.

"The Color Purple" by Alice Walker
(this won the Pulitzer Prize)

My advice? Read this book.

Begin again

Divinely, Dr. Smiley was at my parent's house this weekend. I even took Monday as a personal day... and I'm beginning again. I feel free from my fear: fear of regret, fear of decision-making, fear of judgment. Everyday I can wake up and begin again. He is and He loves me. That is the biggest question I could ever ask ("am I loved?") and the answer is emphatically, YES. I receive that truth. I will fight the good fight... the good fight, btw, is the fight you win.

Here's the story of my life: I will live, then I will die and be with Jesus forever. Everything in the interim is adventuring with Jesus.

Peace? Indeed.

This song speaks - go listen to it if you can at Keyofdavidministries.com

"I will not fear as I wait for the dawn/You keep on holding my hand/
I'm crying out from the depths of my soul/In words I just can't understand/
You have set my feet upon a rock that's not moving/
You have placed a song of hope in my heart and I'm singing/I'm playing/

Lord, do not hold back your lovingkindness/
Lord, do not hold back your mercy/
You are the way and the truth that guides us/
Everyday you are the one who preserves me/

God the great Artist designed you and me/With his will and purpose in mind/
But I keep on striving and trying to be/Someone I've made with my pride/
Now the fires of hell burn hot and try to destroy me/
I run to your will, O God, I know you'll restore me/And reform me/

Lord, do not hold back your lovingkindness/
Lord, do not hold back your mercy/
You are the way and the truth that guides us/
Everyday you are the one who preserves me."

"40" by Jason Upton

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:8

How I feel

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I mean, seriously. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"how do you feel?" .... "an-gry."

(Chris Farley right before he destroys a whole restaurant after being served Columbian decaffeinated coffee crystals rather than regular coffee...)

This has been a "surprise, you're drinking decaf coffee crystals" kinda week. Yuck.

A million colors

Laura and I had some great conversations last night. On the way home I was listening to Katie Melua's new cd and this really struck me. Ethics... morality... standards... such a challenge to navigate in a postmodern (or neomodern for Jesse etc.) society.

If a black man is racist/Is it okay?

If it's a white man's racism/That made him that way?

'Cause the bully is the victim/They say

By some sense they're all the same

'Cause the line between
Wrong and right

Is the width of a thread

From a spider's web

The piano keys

Are black and white

But they sound a million colors

In your mind

I could tell you/To go to war

Or I could march for peace/And fighting no more

But how do I know which is right?

And I hope he does when he sends you to fight

'Cause the line between

Wrong and right

Is the width of a thread

From a spider's web

The piano keys

Are black and white

But they sound like a million colors

In your mind

....Remember forever the guns and the feathers in time

"Spider's Web" by Katie Melua
(on album "Piece by Piece")

Can I just say

I am friends with some of the most amazing people alive. Laura came in town last night from Pennsylvania... I got to talk to Nick and Jesse... I just saw Leah, CW and my brother... I really am in relationship with awesome individuals. I like that they are all their own brand of eccentric, artsy, intellectuals... I like that they would love each other if they ever met... I like that they are really true friends, that they value the depth of relationship I crave, that they are invested in the exchange of ideas and art... they care deeply about the apparent chaos of society's current philosophy and have wild dreams for its revolution or improvement... God is with them... and through them God is with me.

I really really love you guys.

Bone weary

(photograph by EW Carter - you should check him out, some of his stuff is this haunting Victorian era-esque portrayals)

I'm tired. I've been traveling like a crazy person and, while I love it, I'm so so so tired. Part of it is staying up through the night talking with Leah, part of it is sleeping in beds of questionable hygiene in random hotels in SC, part of it is hanging out and having fun and for that I have no excuse, part of it is sleeping two nights with a 2 year old who rivals a thrashing alligator in her sleep and a 7 month old who likes to snuggle aka drool exessively and hit his head repeatedly on the headboard... and part of it is emotional.

I always say to my kids when they cry or whine, "life isn't easy for a little guy" because, however easy their lives may seem, they really aren't. Imagine not being able to say how you feel or explain why you're crying. You can't help yourself to what you want or even ask for it. That's not easy.

I think the same kind of compassion needs to be extended to us, as adults, toward ourselves: "life isn't easy for..." me? Well, anyone really. Life isn't easy because there is love and disappointment and exhileration and sorrow and these extremities, vital as they are, only contribute to the weariness we can feel. Experience is wearying.

I think this may be why the Sabbath is mandated. It also may be why on the 7th day and in the ultimate Sabbath of heaven, the rule is rest. We need to rest.

So, I'm going to watch Harry Potter today and only exercise for 30 minutes and NOT feel guilty about it.

I miss my mommy.
I miss Leah (oh, and if you're reading this, I think you have my camera).

Love you all so much.

Song for the moment -

"But I look at you warm in your dream/While your mobile dances above/And I think to myself it's a beautiful night/And I know everything's gonna be alright/Yes, now I know, it'll be alright."

"Everything'll be Alright (Will's Lullaby)" by Joshua Radin

Hannah banana bobana

My friend. I love being a kid with her and making jewelry and gossiping about Hannah Montana. I mean. This is cool stuff. :)