Sticky Jam Hands

Faith always jokes about how, for no apparent reason, kids who have eaten no jam whatsoever always have sticky hands. Sticky, sweaty, dirty...

Real life kids are messy messy. They are real: moody, disobedient, angry, frustrated. Certain emotions, I think, are just the result of developing. I always say, "it's hard to be so little" because I'm sure it is! I got a wisdom tooth a couple of weeks ago and let me tell you, teething is sooo painful! Imagine not being able to use words yet to explain what you want or need. Kids are always stretching towards independence (Nolan always wears his clothes backwards, because he wants to put them on himself, but is enraged by the tag tickling his neck) and drawing back towards the safety of immaturity (Mason is the big brother but gets jealous when I hold Addy).

Kids are contradictory and frustrating and frustrated... and, in my opinion, in this day and age, in DESPERATE need of parenting.

(With 10+ years of childcare experience...) Here's what I see:

1a. Inconsistency. In one instance, a child is reprimanded immediately for yelling and nagging ("can I have juice? can I have juice? can I have juice?") BUT when the parent is distracted, like, talking to the nanny, the child can get away with asking 25 times and then being given juice to "shut him up" so we can continue our adult conversation. This is not fair to the kid. He doesn't know what to expect! How can you possibly expect a 4 year old to reason through the probability here: he wants juice in the worst way so if 25% of the time asking 25 times works, he'll continue that behavior. Only when asking 25 times works 0% of the time will this behavior stop.

So... stop what you are doing whatever it is and wherever you are and parent your child. That five minutes will make all of the difference.

1b. Consistency further extends to punishment: the reactionary parent. A kicking and screaming child, first thing in after morning snuggles when she is fresh and new and wonderful may be tolerated with angelic patience. Fast forward to 9:30 at night after an hour of bedtime charades and disobediences, the kid is yelled at and thrown into her dark room to "obey me, RIGHT NOW!" Again, this is not fair to the kid. In one situation, her behavior was tolerated and in another it was punished. When a parent punishes in a reactionary way, based on his or her mood, the child's boundaries become inconsistent parameters for behavior... and are negligible at best. Boundaries have to be consistent or a child is constantly off-balance, which creates nervousness and fear and uncertainty: how do you think that child will act?

So... don't throw your kid off-balance by inconsistent reactions! Set the boundaries and stick to them. Take a deep breath and realize that a little self-control now will lead to a lot more household peace later.

2. You are not your child's best friend. At best, you are your toddler's sometime-playmate. But to envision every interaction you have with your child being free of negativity is delusional. Kids make bad choices: they choose to hit and not share and talk back and a parent is the figure God put in that child's life to help them know what a good choice is and learn how to make it. If the first thought in a parent's mind regarding "why I had kids" is "to have fun" then I can guarantee that parent is creating a monster.

So... a little bit of unpleasant discipline goes a long way.

3. Get over the guilt. Compensatory parenting seems to be so common: "I had so little, I want my kids to have the world" or "I shouldn't have gotten angry at you, sure you can have a cookie." Most parents want their children to have a great life and most parents get too angry sometimes. BUT you can definitely give your children too much AND you do not have to explain your parenting mistakes or techniques to your child. Imperfect parenting (which is 100% of parenting) can still produce wonderful, successful people.

So... the best way to poise your children for a good life is to make them good people. This requires a lot of discipline and instruction, which you won't always get right but you cannot cannot cannot give up on!

(This next one may be my most important point...)

4. If your child has a "bad day" everyday, he or she is probably a bad kid. I don't know how difficult it is to process this as a parent but this reality check is absolutely necessary if any turn-around can happen. Once in a while, your child doesn't feel well or is sleepy and acts based on that mood... but to empower your child to constantly excuse his or her bad behavior is handing that kid a trump card for every naughty act. I watch a four year old who tells me, "go away, I have a headache" and proceeds to try to rip his two year old brother's hair out with his teeth, while choking him. This is a bad kid not a bad day and the sooner his mom realizes it the better... because a 14 year old who is this violent and takes no responsibility for his actions will be a nightmare.

So... stop supplying your kid a script for irresponsibility and see the patterns - if he acts like a bad kid, well, he probably is. He doesn't have to be.

Maybe this all sounds pretentious and presumptuous... I am not a parent... but I have seen these patterns over & over in such a variety of homes that I imagine they are norms. In part I am venting because if I said these things to the person I want to say them to... I would lose one of my jobs. ;) (not you, Tami, you're great). ;)