I have decided

to be content with the decisions of authority.

It is becoming relatively normal for me to be content with the circumstances of my life over which I have complete control. Ha ha. It never occured to me before that the discipline of contentedness might supercede that position... until yesterday.

I have been PO'd big time with certain decisions that AIM (missions organization) has made concerning my trip next year. (I've used words like "infuriated" just to shed some clarity on my feelings.) They're decisions that really matter... and I think they made the wrong decision.

But here's the rub: will I miserably rebel or joyfully submit? UGH I HATE that choice. But it's one I make either consciously or unconsciously and one that will have lasting consequences.

So last night I gave up.

It's humbling and embarassing to admit my sin but I long for a pure heart before God... and this submission is an elementary step to holiness. So I let go. Who I will be with next year is in the hands of God. I acknowledge that and receive the decision as coming from his hand.

I will give thanks to the Lord for he is good.

So. Onward.

Thanksgiving 05!

Day 1.

Irreducible?

This is a bit overdue but perhaps this thought is all the better for its percolation in my heart.
I read this book called I Saw Ramallah by Mourid Barghouti. He is Pakistani writing during Israeli occupation. He spends most of his life fleeing - a wanderer and perpetual immigrant. Because of Israel's destruction of his homeland he finds he really has nowhere to land. He marries an Egyptian woman, has a child (whose ethnicity is... what? he wonders) but is always moving away from them due to deportation issues, etc.
The unifying thread of this work, in my mind, is one statement he repeats over and over as he encounters the many threatening, challenging, discouraging, joyous realities of life.

"Life will not be simplified."

I often wish it would be. I wish there were a finite number of elements I could master understanding of and then be done with novelties. It would be so much... easier... and so much less breathtaking... if life could be simplified. It not only cannot, but, as Barghouti says, it will not be simplified. It will not be less than what it is. Lamentably, what it is includes the mountains, the valleys, the joys and the sorrows, the pain, the horror, the ecstacy...

It is the journey of life created by a God who sometimes seems cruel for engineering this version of reality, this set of unending circumstances; a journey created by a God who also seems wonderful for this version of perpetual discovery, unquenched precociousness...

Unanswered questions.
Unsatisfied desires.
Unsimplified.
(Does that require infinitude?)

"The French are ... Harry"

(don't read that "the French are hairy" because it's this inside joke... ok?)

So I was watching the movie Gigi. It's fabulous.
There is this one part where Gaston goes to his uncle in a rant after having been rejected by Gigi. He says,

"I tell you, Europe is breeding a generation of vandals and ingrates. Children are coming into the world with ice covered souls and hatchets in their hands. And before they have finished they'll smash everything beautiful and decent."

His uncle replies: "Have a piece of cheese."

That is so French. It humorously sums up so much of the way the French deal (or don't deal) with problems.

A really good book with pretty thorough insights on the French (specifically Parisian) worldview is Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik.

Funniest line in Gigi: Her aunt saying of her, "such stupidity is without equal in the entire history of human relations."
That's so something a McCarty would say. drama.

Glitter

At the moment I am having glitter lotion spread all over my calves by a 2 year old. I enhaled practically my weight in glitter today making fairy paper dolls (and the corresponding wardrobe). We had no temper tantrums all day. Sometimes things do seem to sparkle... even if only for a moment.

The quote

(photo by Mikhail Evstavief - of a cellist playing in a partially-destroyed national library in Sarajevo; 1992)

Well, I've kind of chosen a random quote and I'll explain why: I think the question of "what's to be done about wide-scale human rights crises?" is inevitably tied to the questions of good and evil, and, ultimately, the nature of God. Where is God present in these maladies? Why does God allow such rife, manifest evil? Why does God not right the wrongs? These are pretty basic, common questions. But I think that the best summary of Bill Carter's musing and searching in Bosnia can be found in his early ideas of looking for God. We want to see God - so we look in every nook and cranny that we can... and it discovers to us... something visceral and real and horrifying and immanent and beautiful and...

"Beginning at a young age I had a tendency to look for God in the oddest of places. It all started when the preacher said God was everywhere, he was even there when you were sleeping. Especially when you were sleeping. This kept me awake for years.

"I would eyeball the inside of decaying fruit and peer down gopher holes. I would search birds' nests, spiders' webs, and ant colonies. Sometimes I'd follow my brother when he sleepwalked onto the lawn. That seemed otherworldly.

"Then the preacher, who had fat fingers and breath that smelled like mildew said, 'Every step you take God is walking that path with you.' Every step? This made walking slightly daunting. Once after school I went into the field to find a piece of wet ground. Walking slowly, with my eyes closed, I took a few steps and stopped. I opened my eyes and spun around to watch the footprints rise up from the mud and slowly disappear. Maybe that was the Holy Spirit following me. I don't know."

(Fools Rush In by Bill Carter).

So what are we looking for?

And, more, what are we seeing?

Because it's only what you really see;

What you really find

That fuels the fire

Of inquiry, and curiosity

And compels you

To effect change

Because the face of suffering

Is not anonymous anymore

It is no less than your very own.

Fools Rush In

So the Bosnian War. Why are we so ignorant of the dynamics of post-communist countries? Well, there's the obvious answer of censorship... but I think it is more often a situation of wilfull ignorance. We choose to be uninvolved, detached from the suffering of people. That's probably just a form of self-preservation. There is an intense and troubling helplesness that can take hold of someone who is viewing large-scale human rights violations or crises. I mean, what can we really do?

So I read this book (Fools Rush In) by Bill Carter. He's the guy who made the documentary "Miss Sarajevo" - for a reference point. Most of us have heard of that. Anyway, he weaves this story of his own journey into Bosnia, his quasi-humanitarian work, his personal journey & demons... it's well done.

I'll quote from it when I get the book back tomorrow.
But the real question for today is: what can be done? What is our moral/personal/national responsibility? How can we help people (like the Sudanese or North Koreans) without it simply being self-gratifying (but ineffective). I mean, the UN, the US Gov., and probably a great deal of humanitarian aid agencies really just slap a band-aid on the scalpel wound of human suffering. They ship in food but it doesn't get to the people (duh)... so we can at least say we're trying? We do "what we can" even though it's not working (and maybe hurting) because when we put our heads on our pillows at night we don't want to dream about the starving people of Kosovo, Russia, N. Korea, S. Africa, the Congo, Sudan, Tibet, Cuba, etc. Should our troubled minds be shut off? Should we try to drown our concern because "what can I do?" Obviously not. Well, effort isn't effectiveness and people need help. So, what then?

(CW sorry I haven't called you back).

Babies

Babies are sick... it seems like all of them at the same time. Yesterday I just cried. Mitchell has an ear infection, Hollis just had his surgery, Malea's nose is runny, etc. etc. etc. Even Jaret seems to be having a really hard go. It just kills me. I want to be magic. I want to be Mary Poppins and give them a spoonful of sugar, yummy medicine, tuck them in and make them all better. Why can't I make them better? It makes me so sad.

(Although I do have to say today God gave me joy in my heart in spite of it all. Plus I got my first unsolicited "I love you" from Hayes... we were eating lunch and she just looked at me and said, "Joy, I love you." She's coming along. My precious girl.)

'tis so sweet?

So the song says that trust in Jesus is sweet.

Maybe one day I'll agree but I have to admit that, while it's not necessarily torture, it is hard.
Slowly but surely my life is reducing - the days I have left till WR, the time I have to make money, the distillation of thoughts & feelings that have long percolated in my semi-consciousness, demanding release...

I was reading Psalm 81 and verse 10 struck me: "Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."
I immediately got a visual image of baby Mitchell. When he's in his little chair and I'm feeding him, he will look around the room and get distracted... but as soon as he's done swallowing, even if he isn't looking at me, he opens his mouth for the next bite. Of course I am there, ready, spoon filled, waiting for him to open his mouth so I can give him more food. I love it when he eats. I love it when he's satisfied and laughs at me, and (his newest trick) claps his little hands.
I think this is what God means to say with this verse on his provision.

"And which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?" (Matt 7:10-12).

This childlike dependence is the essence of trusting God. Effort doesn't allow me to reach this place... surrender does. And that's hard: because I can't make it happen, I can't control the process of my sanctification by building virtues into my life... I can't have my way in my timing...

I can't do it. I need God. I can't make it. I need God.

I really want to be in a sweet place of dependence and trust... I'm not there yet. But everyday I think I yield a little more.

Really really ridiculously white thighs

So apparenty I am related intimately to the David Beckhams of Port Charlotte. They are getting so cool. Yikes. I can't keep up!

(Nick got kicked out of the game AND put in the newspaper for some slide-tackle move - kicked out of the game! Yeesh! He really is my brother.)

Jimbo

So cute. So fun. You are such an amazing man! I love you so much and am so proud to call myself Jimmy's little sister. I'm looking forward to being around you more next year!

The rest A's

I'm bored of this self-evaluation thing so I'm just gonna finish up. I just got this weird jolt of energy/nerves about World Race. YIKES. This is so really happening. Yikes yikes yikes. I think I feel excited - which is great. And I need to get serious about fundraising because... well, I have no money. So. God help me.

2. I am afraid of - failure... further, imperfection. I'm afraid of screwing up.
3. On a daily basis, I need - alone time, moments with God, and perspective.
4. I am good at - leading (projects), school/academics, working with kids, discipline, expressing myself in words.
5. I am bad at - organization, money stuff, negotiation, diplomacy.
6. I believe (with all of my heart) - in God, in eternity, in the spirit world, in my family's love.

Moi in a nutshell. Kinda.

Answer 1

"I understand life when________."

I think this means, "what do I touch base with to remind me of reality... who I really am and where I really fit in this world?"

And the answer to that is my family.

I don't say God because God can be very confusing... very big and very mysterious. He doesn't always "bring me home" in the sense that I feel safe and at peace.

But my family does.

One conversation with Mom and life starts making sense again. One hug from Dad and it's really actually okay. One crazy laughing session with my brothers or a gossip session with Faith and I remember who I am and where I fit.

Dad, Mom, Jimmy, Fatz, Nathey, Snook and Soo. My luvelies.

Home base.

Stuff of life

I think we all know that we are some kind of mosaic: a compilation of our many - sometimes varied or contradicting - thoughts and experiences. The puzzle pieces that make us up, at some point, become either obvious or obviously ignored by us. It's "the unexamined life is not worth living" concept.
So lately as I've engaged in World Race and talked with new people I realize something: I don't know how to explain myself anymore. I've distanced myself from consistent psychological self-evaluation (which has been good). I think, though, that I need to nail down a few things before I initiate what will surely be the most stressful experience of my life.

So here are the questions I want to ask & answer:

"I understand life when__________."

"I am afraid of__________."

"On a daily basis, I need_________."

"I am good at___________."

"I am bad at___________."

"I believe (with all of my heart)__________."

I think those're the basics. I'll start thinking them through. I actually might not mind comments on this post if anyone wants to share their own musings.

Sounds like blasphemy, sure nuff.

So I'm in year 2 of my obsession with African-American literature... finally getting around to the more popular novel stuff. In incredible similarity with my recent epiphanies I read this:

(enjoy it and think of it in this context: two black women talking, impose the accent, etc.)

Quote -
You telling me God love you, and you ain't never done nothing for him? I mean, not go to church, sing in the choir, feed the preacher and all like that?

But if God love me, Celie, I don't have to do all that. Unless I want to. There's a lot of other things I can do that I speck God likes.

Like what? I ast.

Oh, she say. I can lay back and just admire stuff. Be happy. Have a good time.

Well, this sound like blasphemy sure nuff.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.

"The Color Purple" by Alice Walker
(this won the Pulitzer Prize)

My advice? Read this book.

Begin again

Divinely, Dr. Smiley was at my parent's house this weekend. I even took Monday as a personal day... and I'm beginning again. I feel free from my fear: fear of regret, fear of decision-making, fear of judgment. Everyday I can wake up and begin again. He is and He loves me. That is the biggest question I could ever ask ("am I loved?") and the answer is emphatically, YES. I receive that truth. I will fight the good fight... the good fight, btw, is the fight you win.

Here's the story of my life: I will live, then I will die and be with Jesus forever. Everything in the interim is adventuring with Jesus.

Peace? Indeed.

This song speaks - go listen to it if you can at Keyofdavidministries.com

"I will not fear as I wait for the dawn/You keep on holding my hand/
I'm crying out from the depths of my soul/In words I just can't understand/
You have set my feet upon a rock that's not moving/
You have placed a song of hope in my heart and I'm singing/I'm playing/

Lord, do not hold back your lovingkindness/
Lord, do not hold back your mercy/
You are the way and the truth that guides us/
Everyday you are the one who preserves me/

God the great Artist designed you and me/With his will and purpose in mind/
But I keep on striving and trying to be/Someone I've made with my pride/
Now the fires of hell burn hot and try to destroy me/
I run to your will, O God, I know you'll restore me/And reform me/

Lord, do not hold back your lovingkindness/
Lord, do not hold back your mercy/
You are the way and the truth that guides us/
Everyday you are the one who preserves me."

"40" by Jason Upton

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:8

How I feel

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I mean, seriously. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"how do you feel?" .... "an-gry."

(Chris Farley right before he destroys a whole restaurant after being served Columbian decaffeinated coffee crystals rather than regular coffee...)

This has been a "surprise, you're drinking decaf coffee crystals" kinda week. Yuck.

A million colors

Laura and I had some great conversations last night. On the way home I was listening to Katie Melua's new cd and this really struck me. Ethics... morality... standards... such a challenge to navigate in a postmodern (or neomodern for Jesse etc.) society.

If a black man is racist/Is it okay?

If it's a white man's racism/That made him that way?

'Cause the bully is the victim/They say

By some sense they're all the same

'Cause the line between
Wrong and right

Is the width of a thread

From a spider's web

The piano keys

Are black and white

But they sound a million colors

In your mind

I could tell you/To go to war

Or I could march for peace/And fighting no more

But how do I know which is right?

And I hope he does when he sends you to fight

'Cause the line between

Wrong and right

Is the width of a thread

From a spider's web

The piano keys

Are black and white

But they sound like a million colors

In your mind

....Remember forever the guns and the feathers in time

"Spider's Web" by Katie Melua
(on album "Piece by Piece")

Can I just say

I am friends with some of the most amazing people alive. Laura came in town last night from Pennsylvania... I got to talk to Nick and Jesse... I just saw Leah, CW and my brother... I really am in relationship with awesome individuals. I like that they are all their own brand of eccentric, artsy, intellectuals... I like that they would love each other if they ever met... I like that they are really true friends, that they value the depth of relationship I crave, that they are invested in the exchange of ideas and art... they care deeply about the apparent chaos of society's current philosophy and have wild dreams for its revolution or improvement... God is with them... and through them God is with me.

I really really love you guys.

Bone weary

(photograph by EW Carter - you should check him out, some of his stuff is this haunting Victorian era-esque portrayals)

I'm tired. I've been traveling like a crazy person and, while I love it, I'm so so so tired. Part of it is staying up through the night talking with Leah, part of it is sleeping in beds of questionable hygiene in random hotels in SC, part of it is hanging out and having fun and for that I have no excuse, part of it is sleeping two nights with a 2 year old who rivals a thrashing alligator in her sleep and a 7 month old who likes to snuggle aka drool exessively and hit his head repeatedly on the headboard... and part of it is emotional.

I always say to my kids when they cry or whine, "life isn't easy for a little guy" because, however easy their lives may seem, they really aren't. Imagine not being able to say how you feel or explain why you're crying. You can't help yourself to what you want or even ask for it. That's not easy.

I think the same kind of compassion needs to be extended to us, as adults, toward ourselves: "life isn't easy for..." me? Well, anyone really. Life isn't easy because there is love and disappointment and exhileration and sorrow and these extremities, vital as they are, only contribute to the weariness we can feel. Experience is wearying.

I think this may be why the Sabbath is mandated. It also may be why on the 7th day and in the ultimate Sabbath of heaven, the rule is rest. We need to rest.

So, I'm going to watch Harry Potter today and only exercise for 30 minutes and NOT feel guilty about it.

I miss my mommy.
I miss Leah (oh, and if you're reading this, I think you have my camera).

Love you all so much.

Song for the moment -

"But I look at you warm in your dream/While your mobile dances above/And I think to myself it's a beautiful night/And I know everything's gonna be alright/Yes, now I know, it'll be alright."

"Everything'll be Alright (Will's Lullaby)" by Joshua Radin