Living

I just had coffee with Amanda, my mentoring partner for WR. We had a good vent. I am in Palenque (in a city) for the next couple of days after a week in a more rural setting called Aguilar out here in southern MX. I was sad to leave this morning... I love being with the kids in Aguilar.

Anyways, Amanda and I are woven of similar fabric. We both love people and traveling but rather cringe at traditional white man missions. It is bad enough to perform cultural faux paus unwittingly but even worse to impose our version of spirituality on people before whom is displayed the majesty of God in the form of mountains and rivers and skies.

I was reading in Psalm 19 about how the heavens declare the glory of God and the skies proclaim the work of his hands... there is no speech or language where there voice is not heard, their message goes out to the ends of the earth. (I cannot find quote marks on this keyboard, apologies). It makes me realize this one essential truth, especially of people surrounded by natural beauty, the innate message of creation (that there exists a personable Creator God) is louder and more meaningful than any message I could articulate with my feeble words.

I am not here to make Christians... I am here to live. As I sat on top of a hill the other day and had some time with the Lord, he kept reminding me, THIS is why you are here. To be with Jesus. To adventure with Jesus. To live with Jesus.

These people, any people, do not need my words (even less my English words, since they speak Espanol, haha), they need to know this Creator God, who has gone to such great pains to display himself and his character in their world.

My voice is so weak compared to his. The voice of the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon... so I will speak, of course, when I can... but more importantly, I will walk with Juana down to the river and clap for Jose as he learns to jump rope and throw the frisbee with Migel and I will go about my living... hoping never to think myself capable of eclipsing the grandeur of Gods glorious message, alive all around me, available to all mankind.

Oh, and...

Today we had a prophecy session (these crazy charismatic AIM people! They are seriously more charismatic than I AM and that´s saying something) and God was having people call out what they feel their calling or ¨inheritance¨ is.

This is what God said to me -

You will hold dying people. You will escort people dying of AIDS to the gates of heaven. You will witness, to honor and dignify, the final moments of people´s lives, pray the final benediction, and usher their spirits into the presence of God.

That isn´t appealing. But I feel it very deeply within me.

Check

I´ve spent the last like 6 months checking all of these things off my list - buy a tent, bug repellant, sleeping bag, plenty of decently cute clothes so my self esteem doesn´t come entirely unglued as I slowly devolve into an amazon missionary woman... yaknow, the normal stuff. As I´ve gotten going, tho, I´ve noticed the main check has been in my spirit. (how cool was that transition?) (ok, it´s contrived, but I seriously have way too much time to think through all these rather boring training sessions) (moving on).
I´ve realized two main things - missions is my callin (I´m alive again!) and I need daily reality checks.
I´m reading Francis Schaeffer to keep my brain alive.. and this quote grabbed me by the throat and held me up for a second of breathless self-examination -
¨Man´s attempted autonomy has robbed him of any certain reality.¨
It´s so easy for me to say that I depend on God... I don´t stress about 30 hour bus rides or sleeping on a cement floor or bugs... I´m easygoing, I want to do the Lord´s will with all of my heart, I will go wherever he says... and yet... and yet.
And yet of course there is a part of me - maybe quite a large part if I´m honest - that separates. I escape from a God who knows me too well, a God who loves me too much for comfort sometimes (I´m not worthy! says my false humility), who sees everything. And I want my autonomy. I want to be Joy. All that that is in its uniqueness and specialness. I don´t want to die to flirting, gossip, self-indulgence, pride. I don´t want to be completely honest about my past or my pain. And that is the catalyst for a life disassociated from reality.
I think I feel this most acutely because I really am most myself on the mission field. This is me, the purpose for which I was born, and my soul knows it very well. So I am confronted in that incredibly naked moment by the reality of God... and I would rather dream. I would rather think I´m great.
I doubt this is an unnatural place to be but it is undesirable. I want this year to really be totally present in every moment... without my typical daydreams or fantasies. Even if my fantasy is an orphanage with charismatic 3 year olds, that dream can still be an escape for me from the moment of smallness or helplessness that I don´t want to feel.
I want to see God´s eyes and not turn away.
I don´t want to live embarassed...
I don´t want to live escapist...
I want to really live...
And my reality check is that the only way to do that is to really die.