I Chose This

I know I talk about her a rather lot... but here she is... kayaking... without me.
I chose this.
I talked to them on the phone... they're so happy and having such fun... mixed with the angst-ridden drama that is so rife in my family...
But I did choose this.
Then I read Leah's e-mails... and wrote her back... pages and pages... everyday this week, I think... I'm missing so much. Lizzy grows.
But this is what I decided to do.
I feel a little foolish and little displaced... more than a little confused and quite frustrated....
Because I chose this.
And I daily wonder what "this" is...
This... journey... discovery... challenge... "race"... mission...
All somewhat empty words.
And then somehow I find peace in knowing this:
I may not be completely happy here but I did choose this for one overarching reason: for God.
I feel like I've made a lot of decisions in my life "for God" that just didn't pan out somehow - that were dissatisfying or disastrous... but if motives count for anything, God knows mine are good.
So my time won't just be salvaged, it will be satisfying... right?
Because I chose God above family and friends...
And as much as I love them, he must always be first.

Bangkok pics

"You worship the sun/Now can you fall for the rain?"

("London Skies" by Jamie Cullem)