Soy cansada

I’m tired of being cynical. It takes so much energy to hate this place, to pick out (however legitimately) the wildly unethical or inappropriate goings-on of Southern. I’m tired of taking it personally… people’s issues and sins. I’m tired of the hubris that drives me to see the sexism here directed at me rather than a general sin driven by issues like fear and insecurity. I’m tired of feeling bored or annoyed by my classes. I feel like I’ve fought for years now for truth and a pure pursuit of truth, attempting to convince others and even myself that the nature of Christianity is constant flux (growth, change and revelation). The reality is, I have no one’s ear. I just long to be passive: I long to be an impartial, unemotional observer.

I obviously have very strong objections to both the style and content of Christianity here at the seminary.

So, for hopefully the last time for a long time, I will complain… and then I will shut up.

What I’m sick of externally (outside myself)

-The tired things I keep hearing: marriage as a metaphor; dispensationalism – the word, the concept, etc; complimentarianism – “; unreasoned/oversimplified absolutism; insensitive or disparaging jokes about charismatics or catholics; irrational loyalty to Israelis; the unnecessary and random insertion of Greek words into everyday conversation; the long and unpronounceable names of German or Dutch theologians; southern accents; the “us v. them” of “lost v. saved”; villainizing fallen Christian; hierarchical structure: the popularity (hero-worship) of Dr. Moeller; racist comments (both overt and covert); abortion as the primary ethical dilemma in our culture (it’s not); the assumption that “we’re all on the same page” (we all know what assuming does)

-The tired questions I keep asking: if you have taught the same class for years, why would you ever stumble over your words/not know what to say or how to illustrate a point?; is extreme complimentarianism just about job security for men?; how can we live in this culture and know nothing about it?; where are all of these awesome churches with tight-knit communities that people go to? (as an aside, I love my church); how can you honestly think that any overweight man in a suit doing or saying anything at all is “cutting edge ministry”?; What happened to self-awareness?;

-The things I hate to keep seeing: men in suits; “poor” seminary students with iPhones; men who are proud (prideful) of their knowledge; men who argue to win.

There is a guy next to me in class trading stock, another on facebook… is this the training ground for ministry? Will we be launched from here into prosperous, meaningful ministry, well-equipped for the trials of lifelong mission?

My tone clearly uncovers my personal opinion. But I genuinely do wonder if people really buy-in to this place or if we merely stop our ears, shut out eyes and get through it. Is this a necessary evil to these people? Or is it just a place to show off our shared knowledge? Or is it a remaining safe place – a place to study in a vacuum, escape from the difficult things like relationships and hurting people?

The truth is – and I do know this – I will not be happy with this place. I will never find a place like this to be happy with. This is no longer my world or my desire. This is a means to an end. And so I will probably be here for another 3 years. And I have to stop hating it and just deal.

My one remaining question is: will I leave this place unscathed?

Chris and I have decided so steal the “Jesus fishes” off of everyone’s car, melt them down and make a statue of Dr. Moeller. Not that the seminary needs more sacred cows.
I’m done. I will zip my lips and extract every bit of God I can find from this place, treasure Him in my heart, and remember Africa.