CW

He's like a warm blanket of okayness. I don't mean that to sound more warm and fuzzy then it should, because for the most part CW and I have a love-hate relationship. Maybe a like-dislike. Anyways, it's truly one of the more unique friendships of my life but one I am loathe to lose. Not only is CW a very intelligent man, he is genuine. I don't praise my friends often enough. I respect CW in that he genuinely desires to find truth, however quirky his approach may seem. And, if I'm going to be really honest, we're much more alike than I ever want to admit... and he makes me realize that my quirkiness is just okay.

Happy Christmas! 05

We celebrated Christmas. I guess everybody did. It's kind of the thing to do this time of year.
I am very grateful for a lot of the things I receieved... some genuine generosity was poured out upon me.
One thing that has sparked a ton of family conversation is the strange dynamics of familial relationships. For tact's sake, I'll stick to inner-family dynamics. For instance, when Jimmy comes home from Minnesota, everybody feels the subtle but real shift to former roles. It's the "shoulds" of what we all once were and the regression to the positions we all hold within our family system. Though my reference to this dynamic may sound instantly negative, it is not intended to. Surely you feel it: either you're the firstborn who has always taken care of everything, the second born who had to be strong and driven, the third born who was the life of the party, the baby of the family who was mollycoddled and underestimated... you get my point. It may not be who you are now and you resent the instant classification or dismissal. It may be your grounding point for remembering from where you've come. It may be the image against which you measure your accomplishments. It can probably be interpreted many useful ways.

This isn't bad because it makes the family work... but part of me wonders to what degree the evolution of individuals within the family system is allowed is the degree at which that family maintains intimacy throughout the years.

Christmas 2005

Mi amo

Africa.

Today Bishop Kalaang, a man I met and frequently saw in Africa, e-mailed me a Christmas blessing. I can't stop smiling (that borderline smile-cry moment) thinking about him and all of the outlandish things I experienced in Africa.

O, God, take me back soon.

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I need to figure out to get pics on here. Maybe this will work. These are the beautiful children whom I am with daily and who I will be leaving in two weeks. That is truly sad.

Michael

Listening to Michael Buble right now... it's actually Jimmy's Christmas present... I'm kind of a lame sister, I guess, to have already opened it. I couldn't help it. He'll love it.
Today it hit me.. I leave in two weeks for Switzerland. Do you ever the deep conflict between choices? To choose one track is to not choose all of the others... it seems the moment you've chosen the least-bad track, everyone on those with formerly greater evil choices seem to develop an unattainable happiness. Perhaps it's the elusive "grass is greener." Perhaps it's a character flaw of discontentment. I feel my life ought to be less concerned with the "oughts" and more just lived... breathe in and out, one foot in front of the other, each day has enough evil of its own. And yet, the future expands before me, pulsing as with real life, beckoning me onward to adulthood and adventure. I only hope I haven't aimed for a mythical road less traveled in search of unwarranted, inflated self-importance.

Achievement

Today I finished college... last final of the last class. It was admittedly anti-climactic, being so enormously anticipated, but enjoyable nonetheless. I'm glad I re-adjusted my self-perception so that my entire identity won't be lost in this interim between bachelor's and master's (for it probably is only just that). I find myself asking: what do I want to be when I grow up? Oh, I'm grown up. So what do I want to be?
Good question.

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