Babies

Babies are sick... it seems like all of them at the same time. Yesterday I just cried. Mitchell has an ear infection, Hollis just had his surgery, Malea's nose is runny, etc. etc. etc. Even Jaret seems to be having a really hard go. It just kills me. I want to be magic. I want to be Mary Poppins and give them a spoonful of sugar, yummy medicine, tuck them in and make them all better. Why can't I make them better? It makes me so sad.

(Although I do have to say today God gave me joy in my heart in spite of it all. Plus I got my first unsolicited "I love you" from Hayes... we were eating lunch and she just looked at me and said, "Joy, I love you." She's coming along. My precious girl.)

'tis so sweet?

So the song says that trust in Jesus is sweet.

Maybe one day I'll agree but I have to admit that, while it's not necessarily torture, it is hard.
Slowly but surely my life is reducing - the days I have left till WR, the time I have to make money, the distillation of thoughts & feelings that have long percolated in my semi-consciousness, demanding release...

I was reading Psalm 81 and verse 10 struck me: "Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."
I immediately got a visual image of baby Mitchell. When he's in his little chair and I'm feeding him, he will look around the room and get distracted... but as soon as he's done swallowing, even if he isn't looking at me, he opens his mouth for the next bite. Of course I am there, ready, spoon filled, waiting for him to open his mouth so I can give him more food. I love it when he eats. I love it when he's satisfied and laughs at me, and (his newest trick) claps his little hands.
I think this is what God means to say with this verse on his provision.

"And which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?" (Matt 7:10-12).

This childlike dependence is the essence of trusting God. Effort doesn't allow me to reach this place... surrender does. And that's hard: because I can't make it happen, I can't control the process of my sanctification by building virtues into my life... I can't have my way in my timing...

I can't do it. I need God. I can't make it. I need God.

I really want to be in a sweet place of dependence and trust... I'm not there yet. But everyday I think I yield a little more.

Really really ridiculously white thighs

So apparenty I am related intimately to the David Beckhams of Port Charlotte. They are getting so cool. Yikes. I can't keep up!

(Nick got kicked out of the game AND put in the newspaper for some slide-tackle move - kicked out of the game! Yeesh! He really is my brother.)

Jimbo

So cute. So fun. You are such an amazing man! I love you so much and am so proud to call myself Jimmy's little sister. I'm looking forward to being around you more next year!

The rest A's

I'm bored of this self-evaluation thing so I'm just gonna finish up. I just got this weird jolt of energy/nerves about World Race. YIKES. This is so really happening. Yikes yikes yikes. I think I feel excited - which is great. And I need to get serious about fundraising because... well, I have no money. So. God help me.

2. I am afraid of - failure... further, imperfection. I'm afraid of screwing up.
3. On a daily basis, I need - alone time, moments with God, and perspective.
4. I am good at - leading (projects), school/academics, working with kids, discipline, expressing myself in words.
5. I am bad at - organization, money stuff, negotiation, diplomacy.
6. I believe (with all of my heart) - in God, in eternity, in the spirit world, in my family's love.

Moi in a nutshell. Kinda.

Answer 1

"I understand life when________."

I think this means, "what do I touch base with to remind me of reality... who I really am and where I really fit in this world?"

And the answer to that is my family.

I don't say God because God can be very confusing... very big and very mysterious. He doesn't always "bring me home" in the sense that I feel safe and at peace.

But my family does.

One conversation with Mom and life starts making sense again. One hug from Dad and it's really actually okay. One crazy laughing session with my brothers or a gossip session with Faith and I remember who I am and where I fit.

Dad, Mom, Jimmy, Fatz, Nathey, Snook and Soo. My luvelies.

Home base.

Stuff of life

I think we all know that we are some kind of mosaic: a compilation of our many - sometimes varied or contradicting - thoughts and experiences. The puzzle pieces that make us up, at some point, become either obvious or obviously ignored by us. It's "the unexamined life is not worth living" concept.
So lately as I've engaged in World Race and talked with new people I realize something: I don't know how to explain myself anymore. I've distanced myself from consistent psychological self-evaluation (which has been good). I think, though, that I need to nail down a few things before I initiate what will surely be the most stressful experience of my life.

So here are the questions I want to ask & answer:

"I understand life when__________."

"I am afraid of__________."

"On a daily basis, I need_________."

"I am good at___________."

"I am bad at___________."

"I believe (with all of my heart)__________."

I think those're the basics. I'll start thinking them through. I actually might not mind comments on this post if anyone wants to share their own musings.