Joy

Oh joy.
That's often said as a kind of sigh. (I'm admittedly not a huge fan of that fact, or the word "killjoy" but that's besides the point)
Mom used to grab me and do the "dance of joy."
Joy is said to be the more enduring feeling of elation - as opposed to fleeting happiness. Most of us spend our lives seeking it...
Hoping that one fabulous person, one perfect situation, one anticipated moment will leave us with an aftertaste of joy.
The hope of joy fuels our ambitions - everything from weight loss (when I'm thin I'll be joyful) to career goals (when I succeed I'll be approved of... and people who are approved of are joyful). It's a kind of contented satisfaction. Peace with who I am and peace with the world.

And this much I know. These past two weeks have been really chaotic - my world turned upside down almost thoroughly. My house is empty, my heart is recovering from a major blow, Leah's been out of town, the family's been in transition... uncertainties at every turn and enough pain for complaint or at least stress. That's the scene but here's the surprise: I have joy.

Somewhere deep enough is a reservoir of joy within me that is sustaining me. I am not losing hope. I am not losing life or perspective or energy. I am very much okay. More than fine. And I am that way because I have joy.

Surprising. Pleasing. Bit of a shocker but I'll take it.